Two Legs and a Biscuit, Please

“It’s too hard to form an opinion, so I neglect to.”

“What? That’s an opinion right there.”

“I’m not going to argue.”




Free will is the determination of one’s self. It’s possible to possess it as much as it is possible to lack it. The destination of tomorrow is in the hands of many things, and the individual is only one of those things. To affect a decision that changes the course of one’s life is to sway the river with a twig.




Barbara is lacking in self worth. Her desk is a second home and she’s forgotten what her first looks like. The entirety of her life has been built toward furthering her career. The sports cars, the parties, and the pools were only the symptoms of that same drive that kept her in the office, unable to enjoy them.

Death comes slow for Barb. Some people, he just right up and comes when you least expect it. One moment Bobby is climbing the tree, and the next his blood is spilled from the fall.

Barb knows he’s coming and of course she knows that she can’t do anything about it. Life, however, must mean something, and if she’s built her life around her work, then her work must have meaning.

She won’t be home tonight. Order some chicken.

Filmore Johnson at the Microwave Championships of Golden Fun Time

Filmore Johnson entered the arena to the sound of fans crushing the stadium floor. His arms were raised high, his eyes were dead set on his opponent, and his plate of leftovers rested on his strapped-on tray. Today was finally the day that he would prove himself in the Microwave Championships of Golden Fun Time.

“Johnson, place your tray!” the ref shouted at the top of his lungs. Still, his voice was barely audible above the screams of the crowds. “Set! GO!!!”

Filmore barely took time to look at his own work. His eyes darted left, now right, now up and down, and his hands became wild things that moved of their own accord. Soon his plate was ready. He set the microwave for one minute and thirty two seconds. Precision was as much of an art as the actual arrangement.

The crowd was ecstatic.

“Peas ON TOP of the mashed potatoes,” the announcer blurted into his mic. “We haven’t seen that kind of action since the days of Judy Moore! Look at the daring manner in which he sliced the Salisbury steak! The amazing, even astonishing decision not to use ALL of the shredded cheese! Let’s hope that’s intentional, folks!”

The microwave, after aeons collapsed into each other forming new universes as the clock forms seconds, finally beeped. Filmore brought his tray to the judges. One of them passed out after the first bite. The second went into a strange, ecstatic daze. The third flatlined as the tendrils of deliciousness reached down his esophagus and into his stomach.


Filmore bowed out with respect, as the paramedics rushed to the stage.